The push to do more, be more, have more has caused me many a grumpy nights, frustrated I can’t quite figure out the how.
I’d sit outside to try to enjoy my absolute favorite time of year or go outside on a sweaty, humid run (my favorite – and yes I know, unpopular opinion) and just stress, fighting back anger and overwhelm and frustration.
My tricky little brain started to blame everyone else for my suffering. And I coupled that with the exhaustion of doing ALL the things (remember my last blog?). Not a great combination.
I’ve spent a good two months in this state, wrapped up in seeking answers. Making sure I didn’t miss an opportunity to find what I was looking for.
Then sheer exhaustion hit. I simply couldn’t keep the pace. THEN I listened to a podcast on allowing, and that was the final push I needed to get my butt back in the present and slow the suffering.
I waved the white flag, gave up on the anger, and had a day full of tears that were hiding behind all of it the whole time.
I slowed down my overachieving (a symptom of depression, not genuine drive) by giving myself a timeline for letting go. I said to myself (and now to others), “I’m going on summer break.”
I’m giving myself the month of August to allow, to slow down the drive that convinces me I am never enough. I’m slowing down the thoughts that question the second scoop of ice cream, the lingering at the pool when I should be writing a blog, the glass of wine while I cook (even though I had one last night), the need to figure out my next step towards “success.”
The timeline helps because it eases my brain in thinking this isn’t forever.
And this break isn’t a vacation, it’s just allowing my brain to enjoy what I have.
Will I still do my best at my job? Yes. Will I still strive to be fully present at social and family situations? Yes. Will I still give what I feel is necessary to my people, my team, my obligations? Yes. But this is different than what I was doing. I was pushing in every moment that wasn’t one of those things, and overdoing it when it was one of these things, even though no one but me was keeping score. No one but me was shoulding all over myself.
Every time a thought to start pushing creeps in, I remind myself I’m on summer break, and that helps. If the thought keeps barking at me I simply respond back with “allowing,” Allowing, allowing, allowing. That slows the brain spin.
This weekend I did a great job of being on summer break, and man was it soul-satisfying. Yesterday, I thought while on a walk, I am so grateful I got here…because I almost missed it.
I almost missed my very favorite time of year.
I almost missed soaking in that summer morning breeze I love so much. A slight coolness through the thickness in the air.
I almost missed the sigh in my body every time it encounters direct sun and warmth and yes, that beautiful humidity my skin drinks up. (I know, strange but true.)
I almost missed the song of a rainstorm, how my body quiets down on a cloudy day, and how it perks up at the joyful chatter and clinks of full glasses on a great pool day.
I almost missed it…but I woke up, and I spent this weekend beyond grateful that I did.