Balance for Bad Brain Days

As hard as I work to maintain the flow of a balanced life, there are days that still remind me I suffer from an incurable disease. There are days like I had this week where my mental health takes a turn and my brain simply won’t shut up. I call these bad brain days.

I wanted to share some of the thoughts that show up on these days when it feels more challenging to achieve balance, so if you have the same thoughts you’ll know you’re not alone:

• “Who are YOU to help people?” Shame around my past is a big one for me. I was a kid who made harmful choices as a way to cope with trauma and depression, on these days my brain likes to try to convince me I don’t belong in this life I’ve made.
  
  
• “Run!” Run away from your responsibilities, your relationships, just go. Leaving it all behind feels like the best solution to make that nagging in my stomach and my heart go away.
  
  
• “STOP” Please stop doing, trying, pushing to be more. I’m exhausted. Don’t you just want to relax on your couch and not speak to anyone? Isn’t that where you’ll find the “comfortable, content” life you seek?

On days like this I have to shift focus from maintaining balance to working to get through the day, or however many days my brain decides to act up.

• I focus on my breath as much as I can, on the physical act of my belly rising and falling as I breathe.
  
  
• I try to empathize with instead of scold that little girl who endured so much just to try to numb the chaos, and feel a little love.
  
  
• I treat myself to a little more salt, sugar and caffeine, but try to steer clear of the wine.
  
  
• I try to fit one purely “feel good” thing into my day (other than exercise, for some reason, I can always exercise). This week that was buying a pair of shoes I normally wouldn’t have.
  
  
• I try to push myself into some sense of community, whether that be a yoga class at a studio or some texts between my husband or a friend. This week my husband got the “my brain hurts” message and a few vents after that.
  
  
• I shift focus to my job, break for a few minutes for one of the tools above, and go right back to tasks. If I can get in that work focus zone, I can enjoy a sense of accomplishment, and the clock toward healing can move.

Then I sit and wait it out while I fight, focus, soothe…empathize (if I can)…fight, focus, soothe; again and again.

The worst thing I can do on bad brain days is try to fix something or “figure it out.” And the worse thing people around me can do is ask “what broke?” Because there simply isn’t an answer to that.

If you’re having a bad brain day, or week, or month, I see you. This blog is my attempt to sit with you, and alongside you, as you surf through the suffering.

We’ll work on fixes when we’re feeling better. For now, let’s just try to focus on our breath and get through this together.

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